Shamun Indhabur, a Somali Pirate
These pirates are so articulate. I’m putting it through the pirate speak translator found here http://www.syddware.com/cgi-bin/pirate.pl
Those holdin’ th’ Sirius Star an’ th’ MV Faina I’m aboard now, we be th’ same squadron. An’ we know th’ risk o’ spillin’ th’ oil shipment. But when evil be th’ only solution, ye do evil. That be why we be doin’ sweet trade. I know ‘tis evil, but ‘tis a solution.
A high school boy was robbing a feeble old woman today. I threw the boy into some garbage bags, returned the purse to the old woman, and lifted the boy back onto his feet in order to arrest him and uphold justice.
While walking him to the police station, I guess he figures now is a good time to attempt a conversation with me. This was the first (and only) question he blurted out.
“I heard you became the Batman ‘cause your parents got murdered by a horde of bats. Is that true?”
I grabbed his arm and stopped walking. Bats? Bats fucking killed my parents? Oh yeah, my parents and I were taking a leisurely stroll through the deepest of caves, walking past all the signs begging us to turn around- “DANGER: KILLER BATS AHEAD”- and just yelled as loud as we could (as a family, because this was of course a bonding experience first and foremost). Those bats got so pissed, they just swooped right down and knicked all the major arteries of my parents, and I slowly watched in terror as my parents came crawling towards me on their hands and knees, my father pulling at my legs, until I bent down enough for him to whisper his last words into my ear…”This was a bad idea, huh?” And with one last heave, he collapsed at my feet, and I was forced to walk the three miles back out of the cave alone.
My parents were shot at point blank range by a robber. I kicked that teenager in between his legs and left him there.